Angela’s Voice

Thank you for sharing Angela

these thoughts keep swarming through my head…. constantly thinking i’d be better off dead… I wish they would stop, all these horrible thoughts of mine. I shouldn’t still feel this shitty after all this time. I contemplate life and fight the urge to grab a knife. I want to slit my vain and release some of this pain. It would only make me feel worse, I feel like i’m cursed… forced to live in this hell knowing damn well that i didn’t deserve it, that it shouldn’t have happened and i can’t let it shape me. I don’t want my past to control my future. i can’t stand this hell i’m living in and pray to god these things don’t happen again. I just can’t win. Nothing seems to help, I just hate myself. I don’t know why i even try because i know in the end we’re all just gonna die. When will it be my turn when can it finally end? The only thing that seems to help is my paper and my pen. It hurts my arm to write things down, no matter what i do i always frown. I feel so lost and so very confused, why did i suffer through all this abuse? I know things could’ve been worse, and compared to some i’ve had it good. I’ve got people who love me and a roof over my head, clothes in my closet and a nice warm bed. I shouldn’t complain but i’m in so much pain. Physical and mental the pain doesn’t ease. I wish all of my bad memories would just leave. Go away forever and leave me alone. Instead i’m having flashbacks and dealing with them on my own. Trying to stay grounded reminding myself i’m now grown, I can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. Inside i’m dying, spending too much time crying. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself but what do you do when your whole life has been hell. I’m not feeling real well. I’m in so much pain and i’m getting nauseous, how could all those people be sick enough to do this. I could handle it if it was once or twice. I am starting to notice more and more details as the memories come back. They come back strong and cause anxiety attacks. I can’t stand this anymore, i feel like such a useless whore. I know rationally that it wasn’t my fault, i tried to fight but they were all stronger then me. I laid there crying begging them please, to please stop hurting me and to let me go free. but instead they continued on with their dirty deed. I’m so ashamed of whats happened to me, I need these memories to stop haunting me. They come so quickly yet never seem to leave. There has to be more to life then what i see. Every time i tap one thing away 2 more memories flow though. Its like a never ending cycle that I’ve been forced to live through. Hit after hit, like my purpose in life was to be a sex slave, is this really why i exist? If thats the case i’m ready to hit my grave, I’m so sick of pretending to be so brave. I put on this mask so I can hide what’s really going on inside. My wounds have been broken back open, gushing blood pours to the floor. They ripped off my band aid that held all of this back, now i’m losing my mind and i feel like crap. I’m so tired of fighting i just want this war to end, but i don’t know if a broken heart can truely ever mend. please make this stop make these thoughts go away…. dear god help me to feel better one day, Please make the work that i’m doing be worth it in the end. Please lord give me strength to help control my thoughts and my mind. I try to hard and i’m failing this whole time. I think i’m getting worse and i feel like this is a curse, but i just want my turn to ride in the hurse.