weird email i wrote 9 1/2 years ago…

to whom was i writing this- the only recipient is myself, so i’m thinking it was a draft i intended to send out…

To give you a brief bio of my life… I am 23 and the oldest of four children. My brother is 21, my sister, 19, and my youngest brother, 17. We’ve all experienced a rather turbulent childhood. We moved around a lot and our parents were both abusive and neglecting.

When I was 21, my (at the time) 19 year old brother and I took my youngest brother and sister from my parent’s home (at their request) and retained custody of them for several reasons, too numerous to describe here. (mom and dad were living in a car at one point). Since then, we have reunited with our parents who are in the midst of a divorce. (my husband and i live with my father temporarily)

We’ve worked out a lot of our problems and remain a uniquely close family.

It seems that I would be able to move on and be happy, but I am having a hard time doing this. I am hoping that you may know someone who can help me.

I have problems that I don’t completely understand. I think they have something to do with my childhood (which was abusive mentally, physically, and sexually) but I’m not sure.

I began suffering from panic attacks and insomnia when I was in my early teens. The first time an attack occurred, I thought I was having a heart attack.

I experience other emotions that seem to have a marriage to these attacks since they often occur within moments of one another. They especially confuse me because they conflict each other so much.

To give an example, when I was 17 and speaking to my aunt concerning a gray rainy day we were experiencing, I said “I love rainy days. They make me feel like the outside world has become smaller and cozier.”

About and hour later, I shuddered and said. “I hate rainy days. They make me feel so claustrophobic, like I am smothering.”

Nothing happened between the hour that I made these statements. In fact, I didn’t realize that I had made them until my aunt pointed it out.

This is what life is like for me. One moment I feel completely in touch with a something that I can’t define that gives me a sense of inner peace and joy. The next moment I feel hopeless, angry, and despairing. There is no gray area, and no reason for this that I can put a finger on. My chest begins to hurt, I am short of breath, and I can’t think correctly.

Most of the time, I understand that life is a treasure and that it has many wonderful gifts to give. I love children. I work as a preschool teacher, and I write childrens books that I hope to publish someday. I feel blessed to have a natural love and understanding of other people. It’s just that I can’t seem to understand myself.

The people who suffer the most because of my emotional problems are my husband and my sister. When I am experiencing the bad end of my emotional spectrum, I push them away from me.

I can’t stand the way I am. It feels like I am playing chess with an unseen opponent and I don’t know the rules to the game. I really want to combat these problems without the use of medication. I want to get to the roots and understand them completely.

Thank you so much for reading this.

with love,

Toni Lynn Crane

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